About Me

I have little time for.....well, anything. 4 kids, job, and yes, I decided at 33 that further education seemed like fun. I am terribly interested in politics, social problems, and brain injury.

Monday, January 24, 2011

Ha! I Love Politics

I'm terribly excited to see what the Tea Party brings to the table besides a lot of talk. Do not misunderstand, I am a peace loving liberal, so far left I'm off my political axis. I do not agree with ANYTHING the Tea Party says or does. I do tend to think they are not terribly realistic about their goals or about what they stand for. I think they are massive propagators of fear and some of the biggest spreaders of propaganda. I also believe they pander to what they believe people want to hear, that people want to go back to a simpler time.

Whew! All of that being said I am still curious about what they will bring to the table and how this will impact the Democrats and Republicans both. I suspect that they cannot make government run the way they think they can. I also suspect their voters will be terribly disappointed when they find out exactly how our political system works, something must be voted through and the president can veto it. Yes, that's right VETO. The Tea Parties constituents will also be disappointed with compromise. The Tea Party will soon be put to the test as they will have to vote on crucial legislation, legislation beyond that of disposing of Health Care Reform. I fear we will see a lot of government waste and not in the form of liberal spending, but in the form of government going nowhere.

I have been quite excited by our political climate for quite some time. People are whipped up into a frenzy. Everyone from every political party. People legitimately think government matters, their vote counts. The Tea Party comes from a stagnate political climate, not the fear of government. The black guy in office doesn't hurt either. Despite what people say, not everyone is comfortable with it and their unease is a perfect environment to present an extreme political party.

Saturday, January 22, 2011

On helicopters, stuffed animals and other happy stuff

One December day when I was a SAHM, pregnant with a child that would be born two weeks later, and with a preschooler and a toddler, I put my six year old son on the school bus. My exact words that I remember today, seven years later were, "Don't think you're going to be an asshole during Christmas break." FYI, I do not swear at my children regularly, just in case you were wondering. I could not have realized how much I would regret those words six hours later.

My child was born with an Ateriovenous Malformation of the brain that had gone undetected all these years. On this day in December, three weeks before his seventh birthday, it ruptured. After arriving to pick him up from school after the school nurse thought he was coming down with influenza, he lost consciousness. I will never know what went through the minds of the office staff at school, but they stared. It could have been five minutes or five seconds, time stood still. A father carried him to the car for me and to the hospital we went.

Here's where things spun crazily out of control. Apparently if the ER staff leave you waiting for hours, it is a good thing. We were in a trauma room immediately. Yes TRAUMA. That is still impossible to believe. This is where he was worked on by what I believed to be too many people, tubed, lined and all the other things they do. This where I hit my knees, not in prayer but total loss of control of my limbs, this is where I told him how much I loved him a trillion times. This is where I was given no hope of a positive outcome.

He flew, on a helicopter to the Children's Hospital. He lived. He changed. He begged for death once, but never lost his resolve after that.

We took him home more terrified than parents of a newborn. I didn't sleep, I performed neuro checks around the clock. Every member of our families lives changed. I was petrified. Petrified that he would die, that one of the other children would die. I had been to the abyss and was pulled back, but not before I saw the reality that I could not live with. I became the mother that does nothing regrettable. I lived every mothering moment like tomorrow may never come. I did this for a long time. I realized I was creating a downward slide for my family and myself. One cannot keep this up sanely. I realized your children need to know you love them, unconditionally. They need to know you are strong enough for any situation. They need to know they matter, but happiness does not come from hinging on death every day.

I mourn for the him that was lost, I ache for his pain, but I am grateful every day that he is here and mine. I never forget that each day does not guarantee the next, but living on a hinge is no way to live.

Friday, January 21, 2011

Mom vs School; Mom 2, School 1

Anyone who has a school age child with a disability knows about the doldrums of Individual Education Plans, team meetings, mid year meetings, the virtual fight with the school. It's no wonder so many parents give in to the system, it really is an uphill battle. Parents who are their child's biggest ally and cheerleader face endless, frustrating, hours of fighting, compromising and signing on the line.

Today I fought such a battle. I'm not new to this, I knew what to expect. I have dreaded this all week. If it were so easy to say, "My child bled into his brain, yes he seems very functional, we are very lucky, but brain bleeds have a way of (pardon my curse here) fucking shit up. No I am not making this up, please bring your documents to the meeting." Unfortunately these meetings usually seem to be more about a show of power between the resource teacher and the parent. For those of you with no experience in this field, I am not making that up either.

When I was new to this (as we all are once) I naively thought the school administration would want nothing more to talk with me, a clearly involved parent, about ways to help my child succeed. This could not be further from reality. Disclaimer alert *not all administrators and teachers fall into this category, I've met several good ones.* Usually, I face resource teachers that want nothing more than to be rid of me, and place the blame on my child who has real documentation from real doctors that his stuff is messed up and yes (shocker) NEEDS accommodation. Today I fought such a battle. While two of the school officials were willing to come to any reasonable terms necessary for the success of my child, one was not. In fact she found every way around accommodating us and came to the meeting we have had scheduled for over a week without any paperwork, or his I.E.P. Yes, I became rude, bordered on (cover the children's eyes again) bitchy. This is my DUTY to my child. He deserves the same access to education as any child in that school.

I know that this battle will continue for the remainder of the school year, he will not be accommodated. I will eventually have to go around her and above her to achieve education accommodations. I have done all of this before and no worries, will do it again. This is her job. If we all performed as mediocre as her, what kind of world would we live in, she is an educator, a person that shapes the world of the next generation.

Despite it all, I do it for him.

Thursday, January 20, 2011

The Motherhood Personality Complex

I love motherhood, truly I do. Sure there are bad times, but the good times make it all worthwhile. That being said, the second I enter my cube farm, mommyville ends. Not that I don't think about my kiddos or have photos and drawings hung in my cube, I do. I also talk about them on occasion, but they are not the main focus for me; for eight hours a day, they do not define me.

Sure I tried the SAHM gig for a minute, it was not for me. I applaud anyone who can be their child's 24-7, but I learned quickly that I could not keep a hold of my SELF in doing so. Sure I felt guilty about time lost, daycare, the whole bit. Despite my guilt, I found I could be whole again while being two separate people. Their mother in the afternoon and evening and a hard working, sometimes snarky employee during the work day.

I find a lot of my coworkers are like this. They too have the photos and crayola works, we all know the names and ages of their kids, but they aren't a frequent topic. We all know our coworkers NAMES. Nobody is referred to as Little Jimmies mom. We are all known by our names and job ethic.

All this being said (as I'm now pretty sure I suffer from multiple personality disorder) I think it is a sad state that mothers do not have a community when they choose to stay home. Sure there are clubs, playgroups, Gymboree, but gone are the days when you could run next door to have coffee while the kids played because your neighbor is at work. I also think that motherhood should be a badge worn proudly and not one we have to put on and remove as the situation warrants. We should have an identity individual of our children as well as an identity of a mother but should not have to feel guilty in achieving that.

Tuesday, January 18, 2011

Having kids is like nailing jello to a tree

So who said parenting is easy? Maybe nobody, but when you see so many people doing it and know it has been done since the beginning, it seems like it should be natural. This should not be something that requires extensive reading or worrying that you could be ruining their lives forever. Maybe our kids have too much responsibility, maybe too little. Maybe the kids have too much screen time and not enough outdoor time, maybe too much family togetherness or not enough. Shouldn't we know inherently what our kids need?

The bottom line for me is that I have no clue, there I have said it, no idea at all. Are you frightened yet that I am raising 4 cherubic angels? I am. I have mini panic attacks at work when I realize the little one hadn't been read to the night before, or that I forgot to sign a permission slip or agenda. These are the moments my heart drops and I KNOW I am a terrible mother. Then the children come home. Everything is like a whirlwind and next thing you know it's bed time (thank the gods) and I am left once again fretting over what wasn't done.

Then I heard depressing stories on NPR in honor of MLK day (which apparently NPR is still all about today) about black children during segregation. One such child was 6 when integrated to school. It hurts me deep when another child hurts my kid's feelings. I know it's part of life, but it hurts. I cannot imagine what it would be like to tell your child that a bunch of people were going to ostracize him and call him nasty names all because of his skin color. That it is likely that when you try to help reach a lunch tray for a  little white girl she would say, "My mama told me not to take anything from a nigger." This made me hurt even deeper. When that child went home to his mama she couldn't tell him neat tricks to try to get along with other kids or to just stay away from that girl because she's not nice. That mom could do nothing about the hatred aimed at her little 6 year old son simply because he was black.

Here's where the story comes together, this is my revelation of the day. It hurts me when someone does something mean to my child. That is inherent, universal, and has been forever. There is no parenting book about that feeling, it is just there, ready to emerge when the situation occurs, it crosses racial and religious boundaries and the boundary of time. It is strong and maternal and makes me a good mom.

Monday, January 17, 2011

Could we be more mad?

So now that all four of my children use the bathroom independently, are fully capable of getting their own beverages and food items, can play outdoors without direct supervision I have apparently decided that with my full time job and class schedule, I have time for a new being. NAPA our very loved one and a half year old dog was not enough, we adopted a new puppy, Claire. Claire is cute and lovable and everything else good one can say about a puppy. Here's the catch....She poops and pees everywhere. She loves to go outdoors but since she is invisible to everyone but me, she often goes on the floor. Thank goodness she's not a baby and will outgrow bad habits sooner than a human baby (we hope.) Meanwhile I will be picking up puppy turds and disinfecting carpet. This is not to mention all of her puppy shots and then the drama of having her spayed. This so closely parallels human babyhood, the frequent vaccinations, worrying over throw up and inspecting poo, occasionally taking it to the doctor with you.

What amazes me is how some people act as if bringing a new puppy into your home is NO BIG DEAL. Maybe these are the same people that didn't seem phased at all to be taking a new human home to care for. I was not this person. Each time, all four, I was petrified. Not necessarily of SIDS (though I worried about that too,) but mostly that I would drop them. My coordination skills are lacking, it was really a wander I didn't require bed rest simply so I didn't fall and injure my unborn child. I remember those moms at the pediatricians office. They always knew exactly what they were doing, their babies weren't wailing, they weren't frantic. Their babies lacked the appearance of those that have taken too many near falls in their mothers' arms. These (I am sure) are the same women at the vet whose dogs are perfectly behaved, the dog and owner appear to be perfectly groomed nor are either of them sniffing the butt of the other. These moms are my goal, all that I wish to be, I always try to figure out what they are hiding, maybe they're hoarders or live in terrible debt.

Injustice Anywhere is a Threat to Justice Everywhere

Still caught up in the Arizona shooting and the following fight, the discussion about addressing each other respectfully and ending hate. This is very appropriate topic matter for Dr. Martin Luther King Jr. day. While we all have heard of the I Have a Dream speech (which is quite moving) Dr. King's fight was for justice and respect EVERY DAY. Dr. King did not condone violence and certainly did not require armaments to make his point, yet it was made very effectively. Do all Americans enjoy justice and respect, no, but we all know of his mission and many make a point to reflect upon it this day every year.


“Injustice anywhere is a threat to justice everywhere." Dr. King


What is poignant to me about this quote is that these words ring equally true today as they did the day they were spoken. Injustice is not just about racism or discrimination, it is also about policies that allow unjust acts to occur such as the lax gun laws people like Loughner enjoy and use or the injustice that many children face tonight when they go to bed hungry or cold. While we honor Dr. King, we should ponder his message, one that did not require guns or threats or scare tactics. Dr. King made no mention of death panels or use the worst case scenario to sell his ideals. Even today the best quotes are those of peace, justice and respect, these same words that organized a movement.



Sunday, January 16, 2011

Why can't we all just get along?

http://www.npr.org/templates/story/story.php?storyId=105384977

Israel and Palestine is a conflict that has gone on as long as I can remember. One side wishes for peace the other hinders the process and it goes on. Any time our government criticizes Israel, they face backlash from its citizens, but when we support Israel we face backlash from the international world. As I sit in my warm home with my children without fear of bombings or being displaced I feel terrible for the children of both sides of this conflict. All they have ever known is war, fear and hatred.

Most of the everyday people of this region wish for peace, they wish for a two state solution. Many Palestinians are not members of the suicide bomb gang and though all Israelis are required to serve in the military, they just want to live their lives. Unfortunately the latest round of talks was thwarted by Israel's expansion of housing into Palestinian territory, giving the feeling that Israel's government would like nothing more than to push Palestinians further out of their territory. The bottom line is that Israel has done this many times breaking UN rules, crossing lines.

The Arab world, with whom we must be friendly, hates our backing of Israel in this. When Roosevelt sat down with the Saudi King, even he was told all those years ago that supporting the Jews in Palestine would cause strife in relations with Arabs. Was he right or what? Israel now has the perception it can do whatever it likes and frankly what do Palestinians have to lose? They don't even have a real home. As we send armaments to Israel since we now require an ally in that region of the world, we send money for basic human needs for Palestinians, many of whom do not have access to basic needs like drinking water.

The Jews needed a home after WWII clearly they were no longer safe in Europe. Whether the Israeli solution was right or wrong, we are now faced with two groups. One that keeps its population burgeoning beyond what its nation can handle and another bitter over what has been lost and the way they are now forced to live. All these years later and this is not a plan for peace. My question in these situations is always how does the US overrule the UN, what gives us that kind of power? If the people, the common everyday people see the solution why is it not then happening?

Saturday, January 15, 2011

MLK

Martin Luther King day is looming. This puts into perspective where we stand with race today. Many believe that if our president is black this is no longer an issue. Let me just say that the most poignant portion of the presidential election results in November 2009 was Jesse Jackson weeping openly about what this meant for his fight. I can only imagine how Martin Luther King may have felt at this moment. Would he too feel the same pride and disappointed all at the same time that I feel? Would he feel the dismay over hate ads attacking Health Care reform propagandizing it as socialism and even worse as something containing death panels? Would he too feel the racial undertones of those refusing to accept a black man as president by questioning his right as the birthers have done or a fellow public official yelling "You lie" during the presidents most important address to the people, The State of the Union?



I wonder how far things have come since this little girl walked to school in her Sunday best flanked by U.S. Marshalls no doubt feeling the tangible hatred all around her? I once again find myself proud and a little ashamed of my fellow society members.

Friday, January 14, 2011

Tiger Moms


I listened to an interview with the author of "Battle Hymn of the Tiger Mother," Amy Chua with Michele Martin yesterday. What I was struck the most about was not the way she treated her children or the perfection she demanded, but the way mothers judge one another sometimes quite harshly. Not one of us knows what we are doing. We are all given this creature that we love innately and will defend regardless of the cost. We read the books, magazines and web pages. We all fret about breast or bottle, when to start solids and if our child is doing what they are supposed to. We brag to other moms about our child's accomplishments. This is all before the age of one. We all do it, some more subtly than others, competing, worrying, hoping we stack up.

The problem is that we are all a part of the same tribe, the tribe of mothers. Deep down we all want what every other mom on the face of the planet wants; happy, healthy kids. But we judge, we pick, we make comments, we compare. We see a mom struggle in the supermarket and while we may help out or flash an apologetic grin at her, deep down we sneer. That is not us in this moment and we are somehow better right now than she. We have goals for our children, aspirations, expectations. Deep down we are all "tiger moms." We all fight for what should belong to our children, for the hope we saw when we were handed this being we loved innately. It's the method that differs.

Bad Kids


Why is the assumption that if a kid misbehaves he must have terrible parents? I used to believe the same way, until I had my child. In eight years of school, only two have been good. By good I mean no phone calls by administrators, no dreading parent teacher conferences. The kid is smart, perhaps a little too smart, but in some arenas he's dumb. Not just kid dumb, but a complete idiot. When people infer he is stupid, he is really mad, but what do people see? The kid that behaves inappropriately, dresses inappropriately for the weather, and refuses to perform well, this is how people see him.

This child nearly died. I don't mean he had an accident that should have killed him or he spent some time with pneumonia. I mean severe brain bleeding, intubated, and several doctors certainty that he would not live. He's a walking miracle. Some people come from this embracing life, he embraces nothing and fears nothing. He has stared death in the face and won, what else is there. The problem is that if he cannot get himself together, he will certainly never move out or will be homeless.

His father and I are humans, so yes we make mistakes. We did coddle him after he nearly died. But at the end of the day we are an intact family, we expect great things from our children, our children face consequences for their actions. We are not pushovers. At fourteen you may not date, your curfew is 8:30 and grounded means grounded.

I have no answers I am merely a parent, I do not have the handbook for this, the owners manual was missing. I do understand that children like him create a ripple in society and that he makes things difficult for others, but he is a child, my child. I grew him in my uterus, I dropped to my knees hysterically when he was dying, I sobbed how much I love him, I stayed by his hospital bed every minute he was there. Moms with difficult children need some slack. We are trying, we are not bad people, we do not all live in poverty, with no father figures involved. We are just like you, we live and work among you. We face the same struggles, but with a difficult child attached.

Tuesday, January 11, 2011

The Arizona Shooting

Everything I read about the Arizona shooting makes my heart drop just a bit more. Is this possibly the end game, what does us all in? I do believe that several people exist that feel another revolution is or will be necessary to ensure our American rights. These people feel that the rest of us simply don't get it but any consequence is worth reverting to the America unknown since 1950. They feel they are overtaxed, the government has grown too large and not enough people work hard to achieve the "American dream."

A nine year old girl was killed, gone forever. Her parents will never be able to restrict her from dating, revoke her cell phone privileges, or have mini heart attacks when she gets behind the steering wheel for the first time. This was an act carried out by a madman, of that we can be certain. The issue arises though that public figures feel no responsibility for the roles they have chosen for themselves, everyone from Miley Cyrus smoking dope to Sarah Palin putting cross hairs on certain policy makers. These people are examples to someone and have to be aware that people exist that will take them seriously.

This is not a left right issue though, it is a human issue. I too have been guilty of feeling hatred toward someone of a different political party and laugh when they are nailed on different venues. We have become divisive. I feel strongly that we have different political parties to maintain a balance, but this must be carried out in a rational, respectable manner.

What does this have to do with a 9 year old girl? The child was collateral damage in the quest of a madman to end certain policies. Some of his rants sound familiar, things heard from the ultra left and tea-partiers both. He took the extremes from both sides and in his twisted brain used them to carry out actions that were life ending and altering.