Childhood Trauma

The crazy thing about being traumatized as a child is that the perpetrator is almost always someone you knew and possibly relied upon.

I thought I was ok, that forgiveness had settled and the hate was over. Then I had the startling realization that the same monster I had forgiven had BROKEN my siblings and put himself in a position to break other innocent victims. Now I believe that the only cure is for him to eat a bullet.

As children, we suffered every abuse at the hands of this monster, yet I exposed my children to him, believing momentarily that he may have something to offer them. I realized I was no better than my mother for exposing innocents to a known evil.

I can talk quite openly about the physical abuse, hell we laugh about it sometimes. While we were beaten in every way, even a steel toe boot to the head, it never broke our souls. It was the other abuse that left the marks that would render me jumpy and nervous and my brother and sister incapable of surviving within normal societal roles.

Our mother gave birth to three children. Maybe it was mental illness, or maybe selfishness, but she simply could not hack motherhood. To be fair, bio dad wasn't such a gem either. I guess I was ok, but brother and sister, he wanted to kill.....all the time. After the clean up, the foster home, and our future step dad's force, we went back to her. I wish, oh how I wish that this story could just end with a happy reunification. For us, that would not be.

She gave us in exchange for our suffering in the foster home, a monster. Our gift came packaged with severe PTSD from Vietnam. He had little time or patience with three little kids and had some......tendencies. Wasn't too long until my sister and I were introduced to this side of evil with teeth. Here's the thing about childhood sexual abuse...sure it's just body parts...but someday you will use those parts. On that day all of the shame and pain will return and remain with you forever because it's a sordid mark on your soul. One you can never wash away.

There is something very surreal about comparing your lovers penis as a grown up with the one your step dad forced you to touch at the age of five while scaring you away from having sex...as a kindergartner. If only pedophilia ended there...unfortunately for the perpetrator and victim it is never a one time event.

Greg Mortenson is my personal hero, well one of many. Some believe people should do more good in their own country and stop crossing borders to help others. I believe that by helping those abroad, Greg is doing the best thing for his own country. For those that don't know about Greg Mortenson, he wrote two books about his trials building schools in remote areas of Pakistan and Afghanistan. More can be found about him and his projects here (http://www.ikat.org)
Mr. Mortenson builds schools for children who would not otherwise have any chance at an education, especially girls. This is vital. "Teach a girl to read and she will educate her village." Girls with literacy skills are less likely to allow their sons to join terrorist groups. Girls are sometimes the untapped resource of a community, often after receiving an education she will return to her village to help the members with her skills such as midwifery. Mr. Mortenson makes sure that the school is built and run by village members, they have a vested interest in the schools future.
In addition to making the world a safer place, Mr. Mortenson teaches us a valuable lesson, a community, even the poorest and most remote can do something for their youngest members and ensure the benefit of their community. As public schools are sinking in the turmoil of many state budgets, this is something valuable. If we don't like the outcomes, speak up. They are our schools. Failing that, we should work together to make sure all children have access to an education.

The books, "Three Cups of Tea," and "Stones into Schools" are about more than that and deserve to be read. They can teach us all a lesson in adversity and the power of a community.

The oldest profession....

I'm having a hard time with the rhetoric in Washington over the budget. Not that rhetoric in Washington is new, but with all the media avenues to absorb it, it's in hyper overdrive. First we hear about what the American people want, then we start seeing the cuts, cuts to programs conservatives don't support. This of course is their right as the current party in power, but if they held the appearance of actually attempting to do something about the budget instead of targeting only programs they don't favor they would be better understood.

Somebody needs to broach the subject to us, the owners of the government. Let us know our extravagant lifestyles need to come down a few notches, that we are in trouble, that it will require an effort by everybody to begin balancing our budget. The problem here is the polarization of politics in our country, which hurts because we are in trouble. People need jobs. I understand all of the talk about stimulating the economy, but what stimulates more than employment? We have available many markets to create positive change and create jobs. Progressive environmental change could help fuel this. People need jobs, and we need solar panels. Simple. Taxpayers are going to have to step it up. This is just the reality. Avoiding the T word is not helping, it only becomes more shocking when it is absolutely necessary later.

Defense. I'm not even sure that requires an explanation. Our defense budget is massive, it can stand some cuts, but there must be a guarantee any cut doesn't hit veterans services.

Politicians salaries. Here's how politicians can show they are serious about balancing the budget and helping the economy and let's take away their collective bargaining rights. Let's start talking about their pensions and health care.

Everybody has a pet project they feel is required, but our government creates a ton of waste. The sheer amount of money we are shipping in emergency food supplies that land in the hands of warlords is a fantastic example. Like a family on a budget, let's cut the waste, make sure the money that's being paid goes where it should and make the most of every penny we spend. Yes, we elect them, they are supposed to work for us. But let's face it transparency has left the building as has accountability.

I'm not buying them pizza....

I stand firmly with the protesters in Wisconsin. While I'm certain nobody is surprised by that declaration, I have been thinking seriously about it. I'm not a member of a union, nor is my husband but I know their rights matter to me. Lets get all the logistics out of the way. First they are public servants. These are the people that teach children, respond in an emergency, and put out fires on the possessions a family most cherishes. Second, it's a vendetta. The union had already agreed to compromise and bargain on the very reasons the governor wishes to eliminate their bargaining rights. Third, if these lawmakers wish to cut the budget by decreasing benefits, perhaps they should look at their own. Through this economic crisis, my battle cry has remained constant, no it is not popular, but taxes have to go up and the government has to make real, substantial cuts and not only to programs they disagree with such as Planned Parenthood or NPR and PBS.

Unions do affect me, they affect everybody. Unions create the framework of workers rights from the steelworker to the McDonald's worker. These unions are accused of being a communist idea. This is the current scare tactic being used. If we look, we can see communist threads everywhere, the truth is that our democracy is not and has never been pure. (Gasp!) Sure , unions have a bad name, perhaps their start has not been so ideal. But here we are with the Patriot Act, which fails a democracy litmus test every day. We are often a nation of double standards. Perhaps if our people were taken better care of, unions would be unnecessary. Unfortunately this is not the case.

I am not buying pizza for the protesters, but I stand behind them. I stand behind them as a parent, a community member, and an American. I stand behind them because they are victims of an agenda conservative America has against unions.

For only 20 cents a day, you can help Little Susie

All week I've been trying, trying hard to not mention the whole Planned Parenthood debate. I know it's overdone and nobody is going to meet in the middle on the abortion debate. Here's the issue, abortion is 3 percent of what Planned Parenthood does, 3 percent. So our current lawmakers are saying that an organization the provides services for women, services that some women can get no other place (I am not referring to the 3 percent abortion rate) should be cut. But this is not an attack on women. If not then who? This is not a budget cutting method, budget cutting entails getting into real expenses, like defense or funding Israel. Balancing a budget and fixing our economic issues will require a tax hike. I know it's a dirty word, but cutting funding for poor women to obtain birth control is not a long term budget cutting mechanism it's a way to keep women on the system, probably where they like them. If these tea partiers in Congress wish to cut the budget so badly, perhaps they should cut their own salaries, or is it ok for our grandchildren to pay for that?

I am not comfortable with white men making decisions about services provided to me. I saw a few tweets from Canadians asking if we had women in our Congress. Even they see this is an attack on women. Because it is. While we take birth control to developing nations in an effort to stem their population explosion, why do we shut our own women down?

I am also not comfortable with the Pope making decisions for me. We do not live in Rome, we are not under the power of the Catholic church, yet we bend to their will. In fact we take their opinion on public policy. Our public is not Catholic, we are atheist, Christian, Muslim, Buddhist, Hindu, many other faiths AND Catholic. Catholicism did not even provide the basis for our nation.

In addition to my disdain for this attack on women, I am also very concerned. If poor women lack access to birth control, and middle class women slide into poverty as the income gap widens, where will we be?

Why I Want to Immigrate to any Other Country

Top 6
1. Tea Partiers
2. Demise of Planned Parenthood
3. Our backing of Israel
4. Lack of quality childhood education
5. The proposition of cutting the WIC program. Yes, let's just not provide infant formula to infants whose mothers are poor. Great plan!
6. Demise of PBS and NPR

I believe our president is a great man in terrible times. This does not change the priorities of our people, so selfish they cannot see how they should have to sacrifice to help fix our economy. I once naively thought people could cause change in America. I now see how very wrong I was. We will all sit by as our country steps backwards and hovers closer to a developing nation despite the sacrifice of those before us. We have forgotten.

What does Egypt Have to do With Tea Partiers

I find myself cautiously happy for the people of Egypt. I'm concerned about the outcome, but am inspired by them. They faced all mortal fear to demonstrate in huge numbers and have their voices heard worldwide. People briefly forgot that they are not predominately white or Christian. Watching this unfold has reminded me that Americans have demonstrated in huge numbers. Sometimes a change has occurred, sometimes not, but the hope is unsquashable.

Listening to all of the talk of Egypt makes me wonder what other nations thought of America's fight for independence. Was there concern over a power vacuum or the fear of who would control the nation? While this may come to bite me later, I think the group Muslim Brotherhood, is thrown around to induce fear and it is working. Now they are the new boogieman, as I'm sure people thought George Bush was.

Now to the Tea Party and ultra conservatism; I see more than a fight for independence, I see a fight from people with no real economic options. I see a chasm between the haves and have not's in Egypt and the gap continues to grow in America to such a degree, it is feared the middle class will become extinct. If the mentality continues here to only cater to wealthy people through governmental policy the gap will grow larger and the lower rung people will feel even more disenfranchised. This creates a group of dissatisfied people, a group with nothing to lose, a group with demands that can hit the streets in huge numbers. As our government grows larger than life, not in size but in unattainable economic size, the believe that all people have a voice erodes further. This causes me to wonder, will this create a power vacuum that may be filled by militias from Wyoming......